What I am, what I have become.

This is a poem I wrote...I'm probably not the best, but this is how I feel sometimes...it makes me feel a little bit better getting it out somehow, even if its words on a page.

I wish I could rip out my heart; I don’t want to feel anymore.
I can’t go a day without feeling some kind of struggle or pain.
I don’t know how to escape.
I need a way out.

If only I could disappear; then I wouldn’t have to bear any of this anymore.
How can I like myself when I look in the mirror and despise what I see?
I don’t know how I can like me.
I look in the magazines and see all the gorgeous, tall, slim celebrities.

Then I look at myself and my heart turns cold and my blood turns to ice.
Because I feel the tears forming in my eyes because I’m not anything I want to be.
I’m the exact opposite; I tear myself down, I tear myself apart; I only point out all of my flaws.
I can’t see anything worth being happy about.

When I hear those who compliment me; I don’t listen because it doesn’t matter because
I can’t see what they see. I’ve truly tried but it only seems to make me even bitterer than I have already become.

What is this thing called happiness? I vaguely recall it; but it has been lost to me for so long that I barely remember anything about it at all. I hurt so much that it drives people away because I never listen to anything they have to say. I guess I am so caught up in my own misery that it’s all I know; it’s what I’ve become. Cold and lonely, here I am alone.

I’ve dug myself into this dark hole so deep that I don’t think it’s possible to climb my way out; maybe it’s too late and here forever will I stay.
I don’t even remember when I started to feel this way; but it’s taken its toll and has darkened my soul. People say I can choose to change; but no one can understand what I feel unless they were inside my own mind.

This is what I am; this is what I have become; a hollow soul floating away without a shred of hope, a glimmer of happiness no matter what people will say; nothing will change in my mind because in my eyes what I see is only a girl who is nothing.